


Green Roses

by angelheartbeat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Angst, Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Jake, Aromantic Jake English, Asexual Jade Harley, Hanahaki Disease, Jake is oblivious, Kinda sadstuck I guess, Lesbian Rose, M/M, Minor John Egbert/Dave Strider, Nonbinary Jade Harley, Sadstuck, They're all gay I love them, Trans Dave Strider, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-10-27 00:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10798413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelheartbeat/pseuds/angelheartbeat
Summary: Dirk didnt even know roses could be green until they started constricting his lungs and flowering in his throat.Until they had been the favourite flower of a person who couldn't love him back.Until they had started killing him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I was reading Jake's wiki and it mentioned something about him questioning if he could even feel romantic attraction and it gave me the idea for this  
> And if I wasn't such trash for DirkJake I'd probably highkey headcanon Jake as aro
> 
> Anyway I love hanahaki disease AUs and I also love writing Emotions™ so this was born

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoop

When Dirk had forced the first petal out of his lungs, he had stared at it for a long, long time. 

He knew exactly what it meant. He was going to die. 

But lets not get ahead of ourselves. Before the flowers came, Dirk was entirely, blissfully oblivious of the existence of green roses, not to mention the significant impact they would have on his life. 

For the time being, he was a regular old kid, living in the grand old city of Skaia with his brother and their rarely-around "brother" - Dirk had a theory that Bro was their father, but nothing could be proved, and the guy was never around enough for it to matter anyway. They lived near the Lalonde sisters, and the Crocker-Egbert cousins, and Jade Harley. 

And then there was Jake English.

Oh, Jake English. 

Dirk had always had a mild crush on him. He couldn't help it, the guy was just so... unique. He had his odd way of talking, full of twisting and flourishing old-timey phrases, and his British accent that they all adored, and Dirk would fantasise even more than he already did about a life with him if he wasn't aromantic. 

Now, Dirk saw absolutely nothing wrong with the guy being aromantic. Dirk himself was gay, his little brother was trans, Rose Lalonde was a lesbian - dating a rather nice girl named Kanaya, who Dirk hadn't talked to much, but she seemed nice enough - while her sister was completely uncaring of her partners gender. John was quite insistently not a homosexual - but everyone saw the way he looked at Dave. Jane was quietly biromantic asexual, and Jade was nonbinary and ace. Yes, they were possibly the gayest gang in Skaia, and Dirk loved it. 

But it didnt mean it stopped stinging every time he remembered he could never have a chance with the dark-haired Brit. 

That didnt matter, though, and the teens ran wild across the city with reckless gay abandon. Truly, a blessed lifestyle. Doing whatever they pleased, whenever they pleased, to the occasional disapproval of Jane or Johns dad or the Lalonde's mother. Who cared?

They were young and they were free, or at least they were until thorns began wrapping Dirk's heart, keeping him chained to a dream that could never be a reality. 

* * *

"Dirk!"

The blond hadn't realised he'd been spacing out until his name had been called, bringing him back to the blindingly golden café. It had never been his favourite place, but the darker haired ones of the group much preferred it to the blondes favourite darkened purple hangout. Dirk supposed Prospit did serve better coffee, but he'd rather have mediocre coffee and a comfortable atmosphere than excellent coffee and a pounding headache for the rest of the day. Whatever, his friends liked it. 

"What?" he said after another few moments, supposing he should probably respond to the call back to reality. John sighed exasperatedly, having been the one to call his name. 

"You were spacing out again," Rose supplied unhelpfully, smiling her little sarcastic smirk at Dirk from the rim of her coffee cup. They were gathered in their usual spot, the only table big enough to seat all eight of them. Their gang often drew dirty looks for being so noisy and space-consuming, but they'd just flip off anyone who glared and return to their conversations. 

"As I was  _saying,_ " John continued, flying into another monologue (probably about magic or Con Air, the nerd), the others listening intently as Dirk allowed himself to zone out again. Once John had finished, it took a moment for it to dawn on him that the others were looking at him expectantly. 

"What? Hm? Oh, no, no," the blond said awkwardly, sipping from his mug, which made Dave raise an eyebrow over his sunglasses. 

"No, you dont think we should find out where Jake is?"

Oh. Shit, it hadn't been about magic  _or_ Con Air. 

Well, now he just had to roll with it. 

"Nah, he'll find us. He's not so forgetful he'd forget the location of his favourite cafe."

It had to be said, though, Dirk was wondering where the Brit was. The guy was impulsive, but they always met up at either Prospit or Derse, and he hadn't missed a full-group meeting yet. Maybe he was asleep? Or out hunting? Maybe-

The door swung to and fro, ringing the little bell above it, and in swept Jake, looking rather frazzled. All seven of the kids turned to look at him, some holding frowns while others held smiles of relief. 

"Terribly sorry, chaps!" Jake announced, sliding into the free seat beside Dirk. He appeared to be cradling something in his hands, and by the way he was holding back giggles that only usually happened when he was tickled, it was something alive. 

"Whatcha got there, Jakey?" Roxy asked, leaning over the table interestedly. Jake grinned, as though he had been waiting for the question. 

"Well, you see, there was this god awful ruckus at home," the brunet began, and Dirk could see Jade frowning. They had keener senses than any of the others, and Dirk could see them being a little put-off by the fact that Jake had heard something they didnt. They did share a house, after all. "So I tried to track the noise, and eventually I pinned down this little blighter!"

Jake opened his hands, just a little, enough for the others to peer in and see a little brown rat, sniffing at Jake's palms and running in circles. Jane squeaked at the sudden presence of a rat, even though she wasn't typically scared of them, none of them were. Well, Dave had his doubts, but the rest of them were fine. 

"Quite the fellow, isn't he?" Jake said proudly. "That's what took me so awfully long, I'm afraid. I do hope you weren't wondering where I was!"

"Well, we were a bit," Dave spoke up dryly, a smirk gracing his features. 

Jake took it well, letting out a hearty chuckle. 

"So what's his name?" Rose asked, sipping the last of her coffee. 

"Well, thats what I was just knuckling down to decide. I was hoping you could all help me think of a suitable appellation for the little guy!"

Dirk kept his gaze trained on Jake, even as the others peered into his cupped hands at the rat. The brunet was so... so beautiful. A dimple flashed in and out as he grinned, his face scrunched in wonderful delight. 

Dirk felt a tickling in the back of his throat and frowned, trying to swallow it down with a swig of coffee, as the others began to suggest names. 

"Nic Cage!" John said first, no surprises there. Everyone rolled their eyes good-naturedly and didnt address his suggestion. 

"Tequila Anarchi! Yknow, like Vodka Mutini! My cat!" Roxy said next, earning her a chuckle from Jake.

"GRat!" Jane said. Like Gcat, of course.

"Sweet Rat or Hella Mouse."

"Dave, it's a rat," John reprimanded, and Dave scrunched up his nose.

"Is Nic Cage a rat?"

".... touché."

Just as Rose opened her mouth to add her probably wizard-related name suggestion, there was a squeal, making all of them look up sharply. A barista was pointing a shaking finger at Nic Cage/Tequila Anarchi/GRat/Sweet Rat/Hella Mouse as the creature attempted to escape its hand-based prison.

"Sir, you cannot bring those sorts of creatures in here! Please remove it at once!" she said, and Jake scowled, closing his palms around the rat. 

"Certainly, madam," he said, and his tone was clipped and sharp, despite his words being perfectly polite. With barely-restrained frustration, he walked to the door, and disappeared. His seven friends watched him go, already mourning the loss of their oddly-named rat friend.

When Jake returned, he had an oddly bulging shirt pocket and a devious grin on his face. 

"Jake, if you've done what I think you have..." Jane began, trailing off as she saw Jake wink at her carefully. He glanced at the barista before leaning in conspiratorially. 

"I couldn't just let him go! Besides, I've decided on a name. I'm calling him Dirk."

Dirk could feel his pale skin flushing as six sets of eyes turned to him, but he managed to keep his cool, somehow. 

"Wow, man. You think I'm a rat? Harsh." he chuckled, and Jake pushed his arm playfully. 

"No! I love him, and I love you! Obviously."

Dirk could feel himself heating up even more as Jake smiled that heartbreaking smile at him, dimple on full show. He knew Jake meant his words in a platonic way, but his heart fluttered in hope at the statements. The tickling started up in his throat again, worse than before, and this time when he took a swig of coffee it didnt clear it. 

Instead, he started coughing harshly. Pairs of hands thumped his back as he coughed and gagged, and eventually something tore loose, skittered across his tongue and fell into his hand. He looked carefully at it, and could feel his expression twisting. 

It was a leaf. A perfectly formed leaf, at that. 

Frowning, he crushed the leaf in his palm and threw it under the table, ignoring the odd looks his friends threw him. Rose was regarding him from above her cup again, and he knew she knew something was up. 

"I'm still calling him Tequila Anarchi." Roxy announced, breaking the silence that had fallen after Dirk's coughing fit. 

They fell back into easy talking, and Dirk tried to avoid eye contact with them, his mind on the crushed leaf scattered under the table. Eventually, the friends began to disperse, disappearing one by one until Dirk and Jake were the last ones left.

Jake smiled at Dirk again, and the blond had to ignore the tickling that sprung up in his throat and the fluttering that sprung up in his heart. 

"Well then, I should really be getting mini-you somewhere to stay! I cant be botching things with this little fellow, now can I? See you, Dirk!"

With that, Jake grinned widely and got up with a flourish, exiting the cafe with a hum and a skip in his step. Dirk watched him go, a pang in his heart, before stepping to his feet and following him out the door, turning and walking in the opposite direction. The tickling was insistent and almost painful, irritating his throat until he could think of nothing else, and when it got too much he began coughing.

It was much more violent than last time, getting him a few concerned looks from passersby, and when he finished coughing the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. In his palms were more leaves, this time coupled with thorns, rose thorns. 

His throat felt scratched and sore, and his eyebrows knitted together over the top of his signature shades, before he dropped the thorns and leaves and tried to forget them. He pushed aside the alarm bells his brain was deciding to ring, choosing to believe that last time he was in the forest with Jake - just the day before - he had accidentally ingested some plant life, and this was the consequence - despite him clearly remembering not going anywhere near roses. 

Any other possibility was ridiculous, and he pushed aside even more than the alarm bells the memory that told him of a disease that involved coughing up flowers. It was fine, he hadn't even coughed up any actual flower, just leaves and thorns. 

Another part of him was telling him that that was exactly what was happening, that the disease was born from unrequited love, that the boy he loved would never - and could never - love him back. 

The knowledge that Jake didnt feel romantic attraction had never mattered more than on a regular afternoon in Skaia, when one Dirk Strider was coughing up thorns for a boy who would likely never know and could never reciprocate. 

And still Dirk refused to believe himself. He would only accept the disease when he coughed up a petal, when he coughed up a full flower, when he coughed up blood. He could only accept it when he was dying and he knew he could either accept the illness and die or forget Jake. The latter felt alien, impossible, a reality that Dirk couldn't and wouldn't face. Death seemed... much more plausible. 

His phone pinged. A Pesterchum message. 

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

TT: Good afternoon, Dirk.  
TT: Were you quite alright at Prospit? You seemed rather out of it.   
TT: Hey Rose. I'm alright.   
TT: Are you certain?  
TT: No.   
TT: That's what I thought. This is to do with Jake, isn't it?  
TT: Possibly.   
TT: Have you heard of the Hanahaki disease?   
TT: Indeed I have. Do you believe you might have contracted the disease?  
TT: Well, I'm not sure what else could explain coughing up leaves and thorns, Rose.  
TT: Before you ask, no flowers yet.  
TT: That sounds pleasant.   
TT: Of course.  
TT: Well, first of all it'll be easiest to confirm it's Jake and you're not harbouring any subconscious crushes. When you begin coughing up flowers, inform me. We can find out Jake's favourites and see if they match.  
TT: I appreciate your use of "when" rather than "if".  
TT: Reassuring.   
TT: Also, I'm fairly sure they're some kind of roses. You share a name with what could potentially kill me.  
TT: Lets hope it's not an omen.  
TT: God forbid.   
TT: Well, inform me of any changes in status.   
TT: I know a lot about this disease.   
TT: Trust me.  
TT: I do trust you.  
TT: Thanks, Rose.  
TT: Just trying to keep my friends safe.   
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

Somehow, the conversation made Dirk feel infinitely worse about his situation. It wasn't that he didnt trust Rose - because he did, very much so - it was more that she had made it sound so... inevitable.

 

Surely there was a way to get out of his situation without getting the expensive surgery and forgetting Jake or... well, dying. It couldn't just be that, they couldn't be his only choices, but it was very much seeming like that was all he could count on. 

 

Wait, he was getting ahead of himself. It wasn't even confirmed that he had hanahaki disease. And it might not even be for Jake, so it was ridiculous thinking that it was inevitable. Maybe he had a crush and didnt realise it, on one of his other friends? Then his feelings could be reciprocated? 

 

Dirk would never, never blame Jake or make him feel inferior in any way for being aromantic, but he had to admit it did complicate matters. He was more angry at himself than anything. Allowing himself to fall in love with his aromantic best friend? 

 

No, fuck, he was getting ahead of himself again. Not confirmed hanahaki, not confirmed Jake, not confirmed anything. 

 

He kept repeating that to himself as he walked home, trying not to think about the playful grin of one Jake English, focusing instead on trivial things like the cracks in the pavement and how many orange cars he could spot as he walked (three). 

 

Eventually he was home, flopping hard on the sofa and completely ignoring his brother doing some shit on his turntables in the other room. Dave evidently hadn't heard the door, wrapped up in his music, and Dirk wasn't about to disturb him. There was something oddly calming about the simple action of relaxing on the sofa with the sound of his brother working in the background. Both of them had jobs, sort of - Dirk took commissions when he could be bothered to, and Dave had some music job or something, he had never really specified. For all Dirk knew, his little brother could be making music for porn movies. 

 

He let out a snort at that, imagining his brothers remixed beats over the top of some shitty heterosexual 50 shades style porn. It would explain how the younger blond always seemed to have money on hand for whatever he felt like buying and Dirk had to scrape the bottom of his wallet for enough to buy a coffee. 

 

Ah, the rough life of an artist. Dirk sank deeper into the sofa, stubbornly still not thinking about Jake. Not thinking about the way his eyes sparkled, the way his dimple popped in and out, the way his nose scrunched when disgruntled and his face was almost humourously expressive. 

 

Shit. The tickling was back. 

 

Unable to see how he could avoid it, Dirk hunched over and began coughing and hacking into his palm, shoulders shuddering and his whole body wracked with pain, trembling like the leaves he was expelling. 

 

At some point, he couldn't tell when, the music had stopped and his brother had entered, rubbing and patting his back as he coughed up what felt like his entire fucking body. 

 

Eventually the coughing died down, and he didnt want to look in his hands, but Dave's whispered curse prompted him to glance down. 

 

There, sat upon a bed of thorns and leaves and stem, was a single rose petal, dark green in colour. It was perfect, and perfectly terrifying. 

 

And that was when Dirk stared at it for a long, long time, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, because he knew what the petal symbolised, what it brought with it, what it meant. 

 

He was going to die.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the idea of jake having a dimple?? Sue me
> 
> I love hanahaki aus!! I hope I'm doing this justice aah  
> Writing pesterlogs for Dirk and Rose is.. harder than expected
> 
> edit!!! thank you so much @ the person who sent me that guide to writing pesterlogs aah I can actually do all the colours and everything now so thank you!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @ god kill me

After the first petal, Dirk did his best to avoid Jake. He did his best to avoid everybody, in truth. Of course, it was hard to avoid Dave when they shared living space, but otherwise he had shut off as much as he could bear. 

The things he coughed up had returned today being simply leaves and thorns, and he wondered if he ignored Jake and his shitty feelings for him long enough, if this shitty disease would just go away. 

He knew it didnt work like that, but a guy could dream.

Eventually, he couldn't ignore the green messages he was being sent anymore. He had to confirm that it was, in fact, Jake. In his heart he knew for certain, but some hope in his brain still spoke up, still tried to make a better situation, still tried to make things okay. 

So he picked up his phone and scrolled through, all the while cursing to himself. 

golgothasTerror [GT]  began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]   
GT: Dirk.   
GT: Whats wrong?   
GT: Youve been distancing yourself since i brought rat dirk to prospit. Even im not oblivious enough to miss that.   
GT: Was it something i said? 

A pause. God, he didnt mean to make Jake feel guilty.

golgothasTerror [GT]  began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

GT: Goodness, if ive bungled things by naming that blasted rat after you..   
GT: I hope youre alright.

Another pause. The timestamps had an even bigger gap between them this time.

golgothasTerror [GT]  began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

GT:Well message me whenever you read these.   
GT: The others are all worried too. No one except dave had heard from you for the past couple of days. And hes not saying anything.  
GT: Rose keeps mumbling snappishly about something. Did you make plans with her? 

The messages cut out for a good near-full day then, and Dirk felt what almost felt like a vine curl around his stomach, gripping him in guilt. At some point he would have to face up to things.

golgothasTerror [GT]  began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

GT:... Dirk? 

Dirk took a deep breath before typing. He had to say something. And he should really update to Rose that he had coughed up a flower petal, albeit a few days beforehand. She wouldn't be happy. 

timaeusTestified [TT]   
began pestering  golgothasTerror [GT] 

TT: Hi Jake. 

Jake was replying in an instant, so fast that the guilt vine around Dirk's stomach dug in it's thorns and tightened, creating a knot he couldn't get rid of. 

GT: Dirk! Thank goodness! I worried something atrocious had happened.   
TT: Nah, just me being spacey and depressive.  
GT:Oh thank goodness.   
GT: Well not thank goodness that youre spacey and depressive. Thank goodness that youre alright otherwise.   
TT: Not getting rid of me that easily, dude.   
TT: Wanna meet up in one of the cafes or something?   
TT: You can bask in my self-loathing presence.   
GT: Hardehar.   
GT: Meeting up sounds like a splendid plan. Just us two? or should we see whos free?   
TT: Well, since you were so worried about me I think it's only fair we get some alone time.   
GT: Its always great to spend some quality time with my best bro!   
GT: Are you free now?

Dirk thought for a second. He had commissions he had been ignoring, Rose was sure to chew him out for not informing her of what had been happening, and there was an ache in his legs that made him want to sink into his bed and die.

TT: I'm free.   
TT: Prospit or Derse?   
GT: Well, you know how i love prospit, but id feel horribly selfish, i know it gives you a headache.   
TT: ... Is that a long-winded way of saying "lets go to Derse"?   
GT: Shucks, ive been caught.   
GT: Derse in fifteen minutes?   
TT: Sure.   
GT: Capital!   
GT: See you then! 

There was a short pause, and Dirk was about to shut off his phone. 

GT: Im so glad youre okay, dirk.

golgothasTerror [GT]  ceased pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

That was it. The knot of guilt and self-loathing tightened even more, too much, digging thorns into his stomach and making him gag. In a flash he ran to the bathroom, slamming the door shut and hunching over the toilet. Believing he was alone in the house - he had heard Dave yell something about going out earlier - he began to cough and gag, throat burning. 

Into the toilet fell thorns, leaves, cutoffs of stem, creating a pileup of flower parts - and petal after petal, tearing painfully from his throat and dancing gracefully through the air. Dirk cried as he coughed, watching through his shades and a film of tears as flower petals and parts ripped themselves from his lungs, making his chest burn, making everything burn. 

After a while, it died off, and he wiped his eyes and mouth, attempting to flush the toilet, even though it would probably just clog.

"... Bro?"

Shit. Shit shit shit. He thought Dave was with John, but he could hear knocking at the door, and Dave's voice distantly asking if he was alright. Flushing the toilet several more times, he eventually stood up on shaky legs and made his way to the door, opening it to reveal the youngest Strider standing there, face creased in worry. 

"Whats up, bro?" Dirk asked, trying to be as nonchalant as possible, as if Dave didnt just hear him cough up a storm and then flush the toilet six times in a row. 

"Are you... okay?"

"I'm just perfect." Dirk tried to smirk but his lips quivered and he swallowed hard. Dave's face creased even more.

"Something's going on."

"Yeah, I'm meeting Jake in Derse in about five minutes, so I need to get my ass out there. He'll be worried."

At the mention of Jake's name, Dirk could feel the tickling again, and swallowed down on air even harder to get rid of it. That didnt help, so he cleared his throat, trying not to shudder.

"Okay, well... Will you tell me what's going on when you get back?" Dave's voice was wobbly, his tone full of nothing but concern, and Dirk felt his heart ache. His little brother was just trying to look after him.

"Sure, little man." He ruffled Dave's hair, which he knew he hated, and grinned weakly, before quickly moving off to escape the tense situation. Dave was left staring after him as he left, and after a while, left alone in the apartment.

* * *

 

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Dirk started to walk as quickly as he could to Derse. It was quite a way away from the Strider crib, and he was banking on Jake's poor time management to get there before the brunet. The guy probably hadn't even noticed it had been 15 minutes.

But the door rung a bell softly as he entered, and Jake immediately shot up from a lilac beanbag in the corner of the purple-themed café, gesturing excitedly to the blond. 

"Dirk! You're here!" he exclaimed as Dirk drew closer, trying to ignore the tickle in his throat. "I was worried you wouldn't come."

Dirk forced a laugh as he sat down on the beanbag chair next to Jake. He had always loved Derse and its comfortable yet dark decoration. And the beanbag chairs. He couldn't think of a single other café that had fucking beanbag chairs.

"I'd always arrive for my favourite Englishman," Dirk replied, smiling as he shifted in his seat. Jake chuckled and took a sip of his coffee.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Mr Strider. Anyway, what in tarnation has been happening?"

Dirk didnt reply for a moment, wondering how to avoid the question. "Um... Stuff." he managed eventually, his mind instantly berating himself for being so vague. Jake didnt seem to mind, though, simply smiling wide. 

"Well, I'm glad you're okay now. Do you want coffee? I'll pay, a small price for the honour of our camaraderie. I'll be darned if I wouldn't even purchase a coffee for my comrade!"

Fuck, why did he have to be so cute? Dirk nodded blankly, clearing his throat to rid it of the now-familiar tickle. Jake jumped up and got in line, ordering Dirk's favourite. He was no doubt charming the barista without even realising it, based on her blushed giggles, and Dirk bet he didnt even notice. Jake had a habit of doing that, using his ridiculous vocabulary and hella good looks to unwittingly charm strangers - and Dirk, of course. And the Brit was so oblivious that he didnt even notice people swooning at him when he talked, simply soldiering on like he always did.

It was admirable, especially to Dirk, who had self-proclaimed approximately zero people skills. It just seemed to come so naturally to the Englishman, despite how awkward and goofy he came across, it just seemed right for him. 

Dirk hardly noticed when Jake was moving back towards him, a coffee in his hand. The rustling of the beanbag chair alerted him of Jake's presence, and in a few seconds he had a coffee in his hand and a Jake next to him. 

"Jake, what's your favourite flower?" Dirk asked, out of the blue, and cursed himself immediately. There were those nonexistent people skills. Jake just blinked over his cup, before cracking a wide smile. 

"I'm frightfully in love with green roses," he said, taking a smiling sip of his coffee as Dirk felt the rose roots around his heart constrict and twist, even as he forced himself to remain as composed as possible. Jake's tone turned lilting and teasing. "Why? Are you plotting a nefarious scheme to woo me with my favourite flora? And they say chivalry is dead. Where's my kerchief? I'm ready to start swooning."

Dirk mentally yelled at himself to say something. "I didnt know roses could be green," he said offhandedly, taking a deep swig of coffee and burning the roof of his mouth. 

Jake's smile grew wider, if that was possible. "Not many people do, to my consternation. They're simply divine, so unique from the typical colouration of roses. It makes me rather peeved that most people dont know they exist, I must say!"

Jake certainly didnt look peeved. He looked happy, and Dirk could feel his heart aching for the touch of the brunet. 

"Why do you ask?" Jake asked casually, and Dirk felt his heart jump, frantically trying to scramble for an excuse.

"Um... Curiosity? I'm asking everyone." Shit, now he really would have to ask everyone. Knowing Jake, it would come up at the most annoying time and bite him in the ass if he didnt.

"So I cant expect a gorgeous bouquet of roses coming my way soon? I was being overzealous, then. Botheration! Maybe chivalry is dead after all."

Jake's tone was teasing, his features cheerful and playful, every smile sending a jolt through Dirk's body. The blond tapped his coffee cup with a nail for a few times before voicing a wonder he had nursed since long before the flower issue.

"Say, Jake."

"Hm?"

"Whats it like to not feel romantic attraction?"

The brunets face subtly fell, and Dirk immediately felt guilty. Jake probably thought he was being awful and insensitive, and he probably was, but it was an honest question. 

"I don't know how to describe it. Whats it like  _to_ feel romantic attraction?"

"Uh... It's like... Hard to say."

"Exactly like that with not feeling it then. That's a real humdinger of a question, Dirk."

"Um... Sorry."

Jake laughed. He clearly wasn't holding any grudges for it. "Its fine! It's just sort of... not. Like, I just dont see the necessity for romantic thingamabobs, and I dont feel any of the butterflies or the sick or the fuzzy malarkey that all the books and movies talk about. I grappled with it a lot when I was younger! And it's different for everyone as far as my knowledge allows. You know, for longer than I'd like to admit I believed I had a crush on you! I was always too gunshy to admit it, alas. Maybe that was for the best!"

Dirk's throat tightened and he had to fight to keep his body and breathing steady, even as his lungs presumably attempted to choke him with flower petals. He could tell that he'd need to cough sometime soon.

"Is that so?" He managed, as calmly as he could possibly bring himself to be. Jake laughed. 

"It sounds like gobbledygook, doesn't it? I'm rather chagrined to tell you that."

"No, it... It makes sense. Thanks."

The Brit hummed in response, and the two drank their coffee in companionable silence for a few moments, until the tickling in Dirk's throat felt like it was going to kill him if he didnt cough right that instant.

"I'll be back in a second," he said hurriedly to Jake, who looked up in alarm. 

"Oh, alright-"

Dirk was gone before Jake could even formulate a response, shooting into the toilets and locking himself into the small space as quickly as possible. 

Enclosed in the tiny area, Dirk began to cough up all that had been tickling his throat since he was at home, which was more than he was comfortable with. 

The coughing must have been even worse than he sounded to himself, because halfway through coughing up his flowering lungs, he heard someone banging on the door, and to his horror a familiar British accent floated through. 

"Dirk? Is that you? Are you alright?"

In the midst of his pain, Dirk looked at the floor where he had been coughing with blurred, watery eyes, noting with horror that it was covered in the petals and leaves and thorns of green roses, created a blurred mess of green in his teary eyes. 

Managing to cough out a response, Dirk knew it wouldn't make Jake feel any better, but he had to respond somehow. "I'm... I'm okay!"

It wasn't helped by him convulsing into another coughing fit straight after, petals floating from his throat in alarming quantities. 

"Whats going on?"

Dirk couldn't respond, his mouth occupied with expelling petal upon petal, thorn after thorn, leaf after leaf, pain after pain. Eventually, his chest relaxed, and he swiped at his eyes enough to see that the amount of flower parts at his feet wasn't as bad as it had seemed while he had been coughing it up, and he swept them up quickly, dumping half into the toilet and flushing them before flushing the second half. 

As he watched the flowers swirl down the toilet, he was vaguely aware of Jake calling his name, and it occurred to him that he hadn't responded. So after a quick check of his face - pale and drawn out, but halfway decent - and making sure all flower parts were disposed of, he unlocked the door to a very worried Englishman. 

"Dirk!" Jake cried, and Dirk looked down at him, guilt yet again knotting and twisting in his gut, almost painfully. 

"I'm gonna go home," the blond heard himself mutter, burning with shame as he noticed every single person in the cafe staring at him. 

"Dirk, wait-"

Dirk pushed past the smaller guy before moving towards the door as quickly as possible, doing his best to ignore Jake calling out behind him. He didnt have a good explanation, not in the slightest. He couldn't just tell Jake  _oh yeah, I'm ridiculously in love with you, so much so that I've got a rare disease where I cough up a goddamn fields worth of flowers just by thinking about you, but you cant feel romantic attraction so I'm probably either gonna die or have to forget you completely._

So with tears yet again pooling in his eyes, he skedaddled out of there as fast as his fatigued body could move, doing his best to not cast a single glance to the brunet undoubtedly looking like he'd just been punched in the gut behind him. 

It wasn't until he was far from Derse did he allow himself to slip into an alleyway and start grossly sobbing, just quiet enough not to draw the attention of anybody walking nearby. God, everything hurt. He had no doubts that Jake was confused, and hurt, and worried, but it wasn't like he could just go back and apologise - he had embarrassed himself enough to happily never go near Derse or Jake again. 

He took a while to calm down when he realised his phone had been exploding with walls of colourful text.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]   
TG: dude   
TG: bro   
TG: what's going on   
TG: youre clearly not okay and i dont believe that you are for a second   
TG: tell me what's wrong   
TG: im serious im worried about you   
TG: is this something to do with your crush on jake   
TG: you shuddered when you said his name earlier dont think i didnt notice   
TG: just uh   
TG: fuck   
TG: message me back   
TG: i wanna help   
TG: okay

Dave's messages cut out, and Dirk turned to the next set. 

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]   
TT: Dirk.   
TT: You have been coughing up petals, haven't you?   
TT: I told you to inform me not because I want to be a bitch, but I genuinely want to help.   
TT: Jake's not going to be angry if you confess. You may be able to talk out your feelings and get rid of this disease.   
TT: I'm sure you wouldn't be willing to receive the surgery and forget Jake entirely, and for all your jokes about wanting to die I believe you would rather remain on this mortal plane than ascend to whatever may be awaiting our souls.   
TT: That turned out rather morbid.   
TT: Regardless, my point still stands.   
TT: Message me when you receive these.   
TT: We should talk. 

And the most recent messages, from just a few moments ago, a block of green that made Dirk's chest and throat ache.

golgothasTerror [GT]  began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]   
GT: Dirk!!!   
GT: I dont know what malarkey was going on at derse but somethings wrong!!   
GT: I feel horribly boorish. Did my admission of a past crush unsettle you after all?   
GT: Goodness, there i go again, making it all about me.   
GT: Are you okay??   
GT: I cant find you anywhere.   
GT: If you want to be alone just say, I can go.   
GT: Oh dirk.   
GT: Somethings really going on, isnt it? 

Jakes messages were still flooding through, but Dirk shut off his phone and shoved it into his pocket, making a mental note to reply to all three - or, well, he'd see his brother in a minute, he supposed.

He took a long time to pull himself up and start heading home, and even longer to actually arrive. 

It was as though roots were spreading from his heart, keeping him shackled to the ground. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WhoOp
> 
> Neither of them have any semblance of people skills tbh


	3. Chapter 3

timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TT: Rose?   
TT: Don't kill me.   
timaeusTestified [TT]  sent image: "lookmomicoughedupflowers.jpeg".  
TT: I mean you already knew, but.   
TT: Confirmation. Or something like that.   
TT: It's rather painful, I dont think I ever really thought about how much this disease hurt.   
TT: Then again, never thought I'd get it.   
TT: Funny how much emotions can change your life, huh?   
TT: Yeah.   
TT: Weird.   
TT: I used to be barely aware this disease was even a thing.   
TT: And then fwoosh.   
TT: Mr Jake English comes in with his perfect hair and his perfect face and his perfect personality.   
TT: And then suddenly I'm hunched over a toilet at 3am coughing up a fucking bouquet of roses for a boy that can never love me back.   
TT: Roses used to be so romantic.   
TT: Now they just make me sick. Literally.   
TT: No offence to you, you're great.   
TT: Why does this disease even have to be a thing?   
TT: It's like the world is saying "ha ha, look at you, you have emotions".   
TT: And then, well.   
TT: Refer back to 3am bouquet spewing.   
TT: I'm so fucking tired.   
TT: But if I sleep, I dream of Jake.   
TT: Life fucking sucks.   
TT: And you're probably asleep, right?   
TT: Right.   
TT: Like a normal person.   
TT: Yeah.   
TT: Goodnight, Rose.   
timaeusTestified [TT]  ceased pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]

Dirk discarded his phone, having been holding it hovering over the pile of flowers now scattered on the bathroom floor, which he now had to clean up at 3am with a raging headache. He figured he wouldn't get a response until morning, but even when his phone lit up, he couldn't bring himself to move and check it, despite how close it was. There was a deep ache, right down to his bones and his core, making him feel weak and trembly and like if he even moved something would make him collapse and never get up. 

One of the flower petals was curled, and the edges were brown, like petals go when they're old and withered. 

Dirk didnt know what the withering meant, or if it was even important. All he knew was he hadn't yet coughed up blood or a full flower, and that was a win in his book. He should really do his homework on this fucking disease, considering how important it was probably going to be in his near future.

His phone lighting up didnt stop, and with a groan he rolled over to check it before it bugged the hell out of him.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]   
TT: Surprise.   
TT: I'm awake.   
TT: I was reading. The time is irrelevant.   
TT: That looks like quite the case of hanahaki.   
TT: I notice the one withering petal.   
TT: If you haven't noticed that, I'll be mildly surprised. However, it likely isn't an issue just yet.   
TT: So long as there's no blood. I see no blood, so for now you might be alright.   
TT: No promises.   
TT: And no full flowers, either? That's surprising, but encouraging. The disease hasn't fully set in yet.   
TT: There's likely still a chance of recovery.   
TT: Jake mentioned your get-together at Derse didnt go terrifically.   
TT: Care to elaborate?   
TT: Perhaps you've already retired for the night.   
TT: If so, my apologies.   
TT: Although you essentially did the same, so apology rescinded, I suppose.   
TT: Talking to you is always so reassuring.   
TT: Ah, there you are.   
TT: So, care to elaborate on the café encounter? Jake left me with a very brief explanation of the events that occurred.   
TT: To my knowledge, all went well until you locked yourself in the bathroom, had a coughing fit, and left with barely a word.   
TT: In Jake's own words - "the fellow seemed horribly snappish once he emerged from the bathroom! Goodness i do hope he's alright."   
TT: Presumably this coughing fit was a "bouquet spewing", as you so eloquently put it.   
TT: Your sarcasm knows no bounds.   
TT: It's also entirely unwelcome at the moment.   
TT: I was having one of those moments you see in shitty movies where someone realises just how much they love someone else, and the music swells, and there's a poignant moment where you just know they're going to get together.   
TT: But the only thing that got together was my face and a toilet getting a little close for comfort as I fucking choked up a goddamn meadow.   
TT: Quite.   
TT: Dirk, I'm perfectly aware of how awful hanahaki disease is.   
TT: Right, yes, I forgot about your omniscience.   
TT: I've had it.   
TT: Remember when I hardly talked for a few months and then suddenly got together with Kanaya?   
TT: Put two and two together, Strider.   
TT:   
TT: Well then.   
TT: This is unexpected.   
TT: Indeed.   
TT: Now, will you let me help you? I can speak to Jake for you, if you'd rather, or I could book you an appointment with a doctor who knows the disease.   
TT: Uh.   
TT: I'll... Think about it.   
TT: Thank you.   
TT: Keep yourself safe, Dirk.   
TT: And get some sleep.   
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

Dirk blinked at the abrupt close to the conversation, not to mention the new information he had been given. Rose... had had hanahaki disease?

He supposed that did explain her absence for those few months. It made him wonder - how many of his friends had things they hid, things they never told the others? Well, he supposed Rose would have told Roxy, but he doubted any of the others knew, unless it had been an elaborate plot to hide it from him. In which case, why had Rose told him now? 

He decided to heed her advice despite the ache in his chest, staggering to bed and collapsing into the welcoming warmth, allowing it to envelope him completely. Before long he was drifting off, breath evening out as he slipped into sleep.

* * *

When he awoke, Dave was sat on the end of his bed, and he sat up with a start and a loud curse. The younger Strider narrowed his eyes behind his sunglasses and placed a hand on Dirk's arm as he scrabbled for his own shades, forcing Dirk to look round with uncovered eyes and scowl at his brother.

"You aren't avoiding any questions today, bro," Dave said mildly, ignoring Dirk's muttered  _fuck._ "I turned John down to hang out for this, man. I'm getting answers if it takes all fuckin day."

"Well you'll be here a while, then." Dirk answered snappishly, grumpy at being awoken so abruptly and then apparently being interrogated. Dave simply sighed and removed his sunglasses to massage the bridge of his nose, sighing.

"Is this about Jake?" the younger brother asked once his shades were firmly placed onto his nose once again. At the mention of the brunets name, Dirk felt the now-familiar tickle in his throat start up, not letting him forget that there was something very wrong with him. 

"Yes," Dirk replied curtly after a moment of hesitation, reaching over to settle his shades onto his nose and shield a little of his face.

Dave's eyebrows furrowed. "Did you two fight or something?"

"No. We didnt fight." In fact, he almost wished they had. It might have made his feelings a little more bearable.

"Then what the fuck is going on?"

"Hard to explain."

"Fuck, can you show me or something then? I'm worried about you, Dirk!"

"I-"

Dirk was cut off by his body shaking with another coughing fit, his body screaming with protest at his repression of the insatiable tickle during his short exchange of words with his brother.

In an instant said brother was behind him, thumping his back hard to try and help, but it was just more pain adding to the burn already in his lungs and throat. Dirk couldn't find the air to articulate that, though, and Dave kept hitting his back in the wrong place, making the older brother cringe and squeeze his eyes shut harder as his coughing grew worse.

Eventually the coughing fit died out, and Dirk opened one eye, just enough to see what was clutched in his hands. Petals, thorns and leaves, standard fare. A few were withering.

And a few spots of blood dotted the curling green petals.

Dirk felt sick at the sight, and almost missed Dave softly cursing as he inspected the contents of Dirk's fists in a moment. Tears pooled in the amber eyes of the older brother, and he opened his fists, allowing the flower detritus to flutter to his mattress, before he twisted around and wrapped his arms around his brother.

Dave seemed shocked at the sudden hug, but quickly enveloped Dirk in a warm embrace, allowing his brother to sob brokenly into his shoulder with a hoarse voice from coughing and a sore chest from flowers. They remained like that for a long time, until the points of Dirk's sunglasses began to dig sharply into Dave's chest, and he winced and forced Dirk to remove them before wrapping the blond in a hug again.

Dirk couldn't remember when he had last cried, let alone cried into his brother as the teen soothed him with whispers of reassurance. The Striders had always been stoic and bad at showing emotion, but occasionally one of them needed to let go and when they did, the other was always there with open arms and comforting words.

It was a comfortable system, wherein both boys knew they had someone to go to, but neither had utilised it in god knew how long. Dirk had almost forgotten how it felt to just unload his troubles and let someone else help carry the burden, and even as his body let out more wracked sobs, he couldn't believe he had been so reluctant to tell his little brother. Of course Dave would be as supportive as he could be. He always was - they both were, despite how awkward and emotionless they usually were. 

Sniffing away the last few tears, Dirk stayed like he was for a few silent moments, face pressed into his brothers chest. Neither spoke, simply processing the sudden scene they had found themselves in. 

"So, hanahaki, huh?" Dave spoke after a while, and Dirk could feel the rumbles going through his chest as he spoke evenly, not to mention his slightly heightened breathing rate. Dirk made an indecipherable noise and curled in closer to his little brother, pressing his nose uncomfortably into Dave's flattened chest. 

"Alright, thats getting uncomfortable," the younger blond said softly, gently pushing Dirk to sit up by his shoulders and attempting to smile at him.

"Sorry," Dirk mumbled, and Dave laughed slightly, passing his brother his shades, which he positioned on his nose in relief.

"How long has it been?"

Dirk knew what Dave was referring to, and it took his brain a moment to retrieve the information. "Remember when Jake got that rat and named it after me? That's the day it started."

Dave's nose wrinkled, and he seemed to consider pulling Dirk into a hug again, before deciding against it with a noticeable shift and roll of his shoulders. Dirk wondered if his binder was giving him trouble, and made a mental note to ask if Dave needed a new one. It had been bothering him more than usual recently.

"So it's been a lil while then, huh."

"Mm." Dirk's noise was noncommittal and up for interpretation, and Dave held back a scowl. 

"You pissed?"

"Mm." Still unspecific.

"You gonna talk?"

"Mm-mm." That was a no. 

"Alright, well..." Dave seemed to be at a loss for words, which threw Dirk off a little. Dave was one of the wordiest people any of them knew, spewing metaphors no one understood left and right, so to have rendered him speechless was almost an achievement. 

Dirk managed a weak smile, and that seemed to cheer his little brother a bit, because the smaller blond smiled back in relief. "You can like... go back to bed or something, Dave," Dirk said, earning him an eye-roll he wouldn't have caught if he wasn't used to viewing the world through shades - plus, if he wasn't aware of his brother's reaction to things.

"Dude, it's 10am," Dave pointed out, and Dirk's forehead creased in confusion. 

"What?"

Dave pointed at the little handmade clock Dirk had coded and indeed, it was 10am, causing Dirk to blink and look in confusion at his own hands, as though they had betrayed his trust somehow.

"Shit, bro," Dirk mumbled, more to himself than to his actual bro. He never normally woke up past 8, unless he was sick - but then again, he supposed he was sick. Very sick, if the spots of blood he had coughed up had anything to say about it. 

Recognizing that Dirk was distracted, Dave pulled him in for a quick hug before shifting off the bed and leaving, to do what, Dirk didnt know. Presumably to talk to someone about him.

He retrieved his phone, supposing that in Dave's absence he should update Rose. It was only fair.

timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TT: There was blood. 

He considered saying something else but decided against it, unable to muster the energy to carry a conversation just then. Instead, he just closed down the chat window and rubbed his eyes, muttering nonsensical things to himself and sort of half-waiting for a response from Rose.

The response never came, and he collapsed back into his bed, supposing that his disease meant maybe he could indulge in more sleeping than he normally would. And so he did just that, falling asleep faster than he would've expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter this time, bc I'm working on a lot of stuff and this seemed like an appropriate place to stop the chapter


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all some Jake POV

Jake poked a finger through the bars of his new rats cage, thinking about the boy said rat was named after. Dirk had been acting weirdly ever since the day he had caught the little bugger, and he had an awful feeling is was to do with him, especially considering the events at Derse. 

He hadn't even been able to focus on some of his favourite movies, something in them always reminding him of Dirk. He knew the man was his best bro, but really now. One should be able to enjoy a movie without constantly thinking of said best bro. 

Stretching, Jake moved away from his rats cage and looked about at the movie posters plastering his walls. He had never really taken any of them down, simply adding more when he found more movies he liked - which was more often than it should be, in all honesty, seeing as he liked basically all movies. Rat Dirk was an addition he'd never have expected, but he was too attached to the little guy at this point to just turf him out. Besides, looking after another living being besides himself and, on occasion, Jade's dog, would do him good.

Speaking of Jade, he wondered where they were. Maybe in their room? 

"JADE!" he called out, waiting for the answering rustle. Sure enough, after a moment his cousin appeared at the door, looking disgruntled that they had been disturbed.

"What is it?" they asked, mildly irritated to find Jake standing there not in the middle of a crisis. Well, he was in the middle of a crisis, but not necessarily a visible one. 

"What do  _you_ think is wrong with Dirk?" Jake replied, smoothing down a band-aid on his thumb. Rat Dirk had a habit of chomping on his digits every chance he got, and Jake had already been bitten more times than he'd like. Jade leaned against the doorframe, crossing their arms.

"Well, he keeps biting you, but hes not sick or anything," they deadpanned, snorting at the confused look on Jake's face. "Kidding, you doof. Real Dirk? Somethings definitely up."

Jake frowned. "Yes, that much is obvious, Jade my dear, but  _what?_ "

"Beats me!"

"Oh, come off it Jade. You dont think hes miffed at me?"

Jake sat down heavily on his bed, chewing on his lip, and Jade sighed sympathetically and sat down next to him, raising an eyebrow over their glasses.

"Why would he be miffed at you?" they asked. Jake shrugged and slumped forward.

"I dont know. Rat Dirk? Being too forward? Oh bother, I admitted I used to think I had a crush on him. What if he finds that odd? I'd find that odd. What if he thinks I've become a nuisance?"

"Jake, you're rambling. He probably just has a crush on you!"

At that, Jake's eyes widened, and he looked at his cousin in disbelief, but they just smiled wide. "Dont play around, Jade! That cant possibly be it!"

"Well, lets go over it. He's been avoiding you, when you spent time together alone he needed to leave to the bathroom, he was flustered by you naming a loved pet after him, he asked you your favourite flower, plus he asked you about romantic attraction. I'd say hes feeling something!"

"Well, he said he was asking everyone their favourite flower.." Jake mumbled, but his brain knew it was logical, what Jade was saying. He didnt want to believe it. He couldn't believe it.

"Well, he hasn't asked me!"

Jake frowned at that. Dirk wasn't the type to put off a task when it could be done quickly and easily, so it seemed hard to believe he wouldn't do such a simple thing as asking a short question. 

"Even if Dirk did hold some semblance of attraction to me, which I'm sure he does  _not,_ surely he'd be put off by the whole aromantic thing..? I don't want him to feel like I'm inherently rejecting him or some such..." Jake twisted his hands nervously, and Jade placed a reassuring hand atop them, stilling his fidgeting fingers.

"Jake. I'm sure everything is fine. I can talk to Dirk, if you want me to!" Jade's tone was cheery, as always, and the familiar cheer made Jake smile softly. His cousin always knew just how to make him feel better.

"Yes, I think... That might be best. You're the greatest, Jade."

They grinned and ruffled his hair before pulling him into a tight one-armed hug. "I know! Well, more like,  _we're_ the greatest, English."

Jake pulled their hand off and playfully punched them in the arm. "We're the greatest, Harley."

Jade gave him one more reassuring grin, before standing up and leaving, allowing Jake to exhale deeply and flop back on his bed, staring up at the Avatar poster he had taped above his bed, like the nerd he was. Avatar had always been his favourite movie, and he wouldn't allow himself to cover up the poster, so there it was, place of honour.

The idea of Dirk having a crush on him was an alien concept. He and Dirk were best bros! Despite what Jake might have believed when they were younger, he was pretty certain in his orientation at this point, and he knew that what he might have thought was a crush was likely a squish at most. 

Actually, there was an idea. Maybe he could... have some sort of relationship that wasn't necessarily.. romantic? Strongly platonic? He enjoyed being around Dirk, and liked hugs, and liked it when his friends kissed his cheeks, so maybe if it turned out that Dirk did have something for him, maybe he could have something? He didnt want to break his best friends heart, that was the opposite of what he wanted to do, but he also couldn't force himself to feel something for him. 

Well he could try and force himself, but that'd probably result in pain and awkward tension and he wouldn't be comfortable with any of it, so maybe it was best to leave it?

Squeezing his eyes shut, Jake rubbed a hand against his eyes, knocking aside his glasses. He could feel the back of his hand being slightly wetted, and frowned, having not realised he was tearing up. Now why on earth  _was_ he tearing up?

Probably the prospect of potentially breaking Dirk's heart. Oh god, he knew Dirk couldn't handle rejection very well, and Jake certainly wasn't a master of rejecting people. No one really had any crushes on him, so he had zero practise in turning people down when they did. The mental image of Dirk in pain, heartbroken after Jake inevitably had to turn him down, was enough to make a couple of tears roll down Jake's cheeks.

He rubbed at them furiously. He knew he cried easily, but now this was just ridiculous. It was just.... he couldn't hurt Dirk. He wouldn't be able to bring himself to hurt him, in any sense. If he was told that he had to turn Dirk down or die, well, he'd probably choose dying - but fuck, that would probably make Dirk feel bad as well! He couldn't win!

No, that was mean. Nothing was Dirk's fault, he couldn't treat it like it was. Besides, it was only Jade's speculation that Dirk held a romantic fondness for the Englishman, and for all Jake knew, his cousin could be totally wrong in their assumptions. Maybe that was easiest to think? But he couldn't just rule out the possibility, unless he wanted to potentially break Dirk's heart even more. But was it easier to already know and maybe make Dirk feel bad for being noticeable or accidentally forget and have to let Dirk down fully?

Egad, this was all far too complicated! Why couldn't he just have simple friendships? Why did emotions have to be a thing? Ugh, he wished he could just have everyone get along all the time with no hiccups, but he supposed that was just unrealistic to hope.

Jake rolled over, thoughts getting too heavy to bear, and considered the possibility of sleeping. It was a tempting possibility, one that he followed to the point of removing his glasses and folding them on his bedside table, only to discover that when he closed his eyes, all he could see was Dirk's face, in heartbreak. God, all this was almost too much. He didnt want to break his friends heart, but on the other hand he didnt want to force himself into a relationship he didnt feel anything in - and besides, that might hurt Dirk more in the long run.

Was it selfish, to not want to be in a relationship with someone? He knew logically of course it wasn't, but he couldn't help himself feeling as though he was being awfully self-centred, especially as being self-centred was something he was often found guilty of. If he could act well enough, he would definitely pretend to reciprocate, but he couldn't act terribly well, and besides, if Dirk ever discovered that his love was all a ruse he'd likely be even more heartbroken than if Jake had just told him outright.

Maybe it was even more selfish to assume Dirk would react so strongly, whether externally or at all. Maybe he just wouldn't care if Jake liked him or not, and Jake wasn't quite sure how he felt about that possibility. It was marginally better than the idea of truly breaking Dirk's heart, but it made Jake wonder just how much he meant to Dirk.

In a desperate attempt to take a nap Jake closed his eyes again, and after what felt like far too long and far too much tossing and turning, he slipped into a fitful rest full of thorny green roses and broken hearts, plagued by thoughts of Dirk even in his dreams. He was terrified even in his dream of hurting him, and some of the imagery in his dreams made him feel simply awful, like Dirk sobbing his broken heart out, or shunning Jake and renouncing him as a friend. Or just... not caring.

The image that stuck with him most once he had woken up, though, making his stomach churn, was an imagine of Dirk being strangled by thorned roses, life fading fast, and his heart felt strangled in itself when he thought about what it could possibly mean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long wait! (if anyone was waiting lmao)  
> Also apologies for the slightly shorter chapter!


End file.
